


Hand and Hand

by MatthewAlexanderHowell



Category: Dan and Phil fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26088175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MatthewAlexanderHowell/pseuds/MatthewAlexanderHowell
Summary: Daniel Howell was having a wonderful life until his parents decided to adopt someone kid named Meredith Anderson. Then Dan found out just before he moved to university that his sister was transgender and started calling him Matthew. Dan's parents didn't believe their trans son, who kept taking Dan's old clothes. In 2010 Dan decided to move in with Phil Lester, someone he had met at university, he had asked Matt if he would like to stay with him instead of their parents. Matt said yes before Dan finished his sentence. Matt now lives with Dan and Phil. Matt knew Dan was gay before Dan did. Then later that month Dan made a video of him coming out, Matt helped him. Matt also knew Dan had feelings for Phil. Matt helped Dan ask out Phil, after he had helped Phil with his coming out video. Now and then Matt will appear on Dan's and Phil's channel along with the gaming channel and sometimes on their YouNow shows when their do their live shows. Dan is doing the best he can to get Matt everything he needs. Dan loves his younger brother. He would do anything to help Matt out. Dan's other brother, Adrian Howell, helped out a little bit from time to time but not always. Matt stayed closer to Dan.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Original Male Character/Original Male Character





	1. Note

This title is by [Kylan_River](https://www.wattpad.com/user/Kylan_River) (On Wattpad) they are one of my best friends and I got them instead in Dan and Phil. He is like a little brother to me. So let's go him to 100 followers by the end of the year!


	2. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: self harm, Suicide thoughts/actions
> 
> If you want the other half of the story got to my wattpad Dan_Phil-Phan and in my bio to Kylan_River

I walked into Dan's room to find him packing for university and say,"Do you really have to go?" Dan says,"I'm sorry, Matt, but I have to go to university." I say,”Can I come with you?” Dan says,”Why?” I say,”You call me by my right name and pronouns, unlike mum, dad and Adrian.” Dan looks at me,”Fine. Go pack.” I hugged him and ran to my room to pack. I walked back into Dan's room and say,"I'm ready." Dan says,"Ok. I'll be right back. While you wait go put your things in mum's car." I nod and puts my things in their mum's car. Dan was talking to their mum. I went back up to Dan's room and sit on his bed as he walked back into his room. I look at Dan and he says,"What?" I say,"What did mum say?" Dan says,"She said yes." I say,"Fuck yeah!" As I hugged Dan. Dan says,"Wanna help me finish packing?" I say,"Yeah!" I help Dan pack his things for university.


	3. Chapter 1

Me and Dan made it to Manchester. It was a 3 to 4-hour drive and I had to listen to him complain. I tried to block him out but couldn’t. I waited for Dan to get the flat key and noticed that the door was unlocked and went in. Dan followed me in and saw Phil and tackled him to the ground and kissed him. I watched them. I knew they were both gay and loved each other. I put my things into my room as Dan and Phil made out. I smiled as I put my room together. It looked like my room back home but with a full-size bed. I made my bed up with Dan’s sheets that he bought. Later I helped him and Phil with their room. But when Dan needs to film his videos he’ll use my room. I giggled as Phil got into the wardrobe to scare the shit out of Dan. Dan says,”Phil? Phil?! Phil!” As he looked around for Phil and Phil says,”Boo!” As Dan jumped. I started laughing and Dan says,”That’s not funny, Matthew.” I say,”Yes it is!” Phil smiled. We finished working on Dan and Phil’s room and then watched a movie and we all fell asleep on the couch. We didn’t hear Phil’s phone going off. In the morning I got ready for secondary school and Dan got ready for university. I was out of school before Dan was so I did my homework and then made my first youtube video. Then I took a nap as Phil left. Then I woke up hours later and did some more homework as Phil came back and went to his and Dan’s room as someone came into my room and said,”I’m Emmalane.” I say,”I’m Matt.” we stayed at each other as she looked around the room and I watched her. Then she sat on the bed and played with my hair as I kept doing my homeworking and sighs. I found myself nodding off from time to time as I heard the door open and ran out of my room,”Dan!” As I hugged him,”I missed you. Can you help me with my fucking homework?” Dan says,”Ok, Matt.” As he walked into my room to help me with my homework as he did his own homework. I say,”Who in invented fucking homework?” Dan shrugs. I sigh as hug my stuffed fox that Dan me for my birthday along with a knife. I watched Emmalane as she was doing something. Later that night we went out to eat as me and Emmalane started to become friends. I just hope she didn’t I was trans, because I didn’t know how to tell her. And I hoped she didn’t know that Dan and Phil were a couple. When I need to go to the bathroom I looked at the men’s and women’s bathroom doors as Dan walked over and lead me into the men’s room and I looked shocked as I looked around. Then Phil walked into the men’s room when I walked over to the urinals. I walked out of the men’s room and back to Emmalane. She watched me sit down and eat. I looked at her as Dan and Phil walked out of the men’s room as I ate my chips and burger. I looked at Emmalane and smiled. We walked around Manchester and then we stopped by the wheel of Manchester as Dan and Phil got on while me and Emmalane stayed on the ground little did we know Dan and Phil were snogging up there. When Dan and Phil got down from the wheel of Manchester we kept walking around. I kept looking at Dan, Phil, and Emmalane as we kept walking. I looked at Dan and Phil they were holding hands. I gave Dan ‘The look’ and he let Phil’s hand go. I smiled as I texted him,’Not in public.’ Dan texted,’I forgot! Ok?’ I texted back,’Ok! Are we going to get dessert?’ Dan texted,’Yes, we can get dessert.’ I say,”Yeah!” We walk around trying to find something for dessert. I found a cake shop and look at Dan as he nodded. I smiled as I walked in and looked at all the cakes. I saw a gay and trans colored one. I looked at Dan to see if he would get them for me. Dan texted,’Phil’s sister is with us.’ I texted back,’Ok.’ As I look for something else to pick out. Dan, Phil, and Emmalane looked at the cakes too. I picked a Swedish chocolate cake and everyone else picked their cake out ant then we walked back to the flat and fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 2

I was late for my second day of secondary school. I was getting dressed and I didn’t hear Emmalane moving until she spoke to me. She said,”Is that binder comfortable?” I jumped as I look at her. I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded. I finished getting dressed and ran out the door and ran to secondary school. Dan didn’t know that I was getting bullied. I didn’t know how to tell him if he asked me. I came back to the flat and went to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door and took a shower. I sat down on the floor of the shower and started crying. I was covered in blood and bruises. I had my knife in my hand the one Dan gave me for my 13th birthday. I look at it as I cut into my wrist and make small cuts as I go. It stung but it was good it made me feel happy somehow. I watched the blood wash into the drain. It was pleasing almost hypnotizing. I heard the door open as I became super quite. I wait in silence for whoever was in the bathroom to leave. I held my knife close to me. I waited for what seemed hours for them to leave. I sighed as the door closed and I stood up and washed my hair and body and then got out and dressed and went to my room and did my homework. It took me hours to finish what I could without Dan’s help. I looked over at Emmalane to what she was doing. Apparently, she had a friend over and was in our room on my bed. I say,”You girls, better not be messing up my bed.” As I look at them. I went back to my homework then I say,"I need my bed, please, you can go into the living room." I look at Emmalane to see what she will say or do. I keep staring at her. I really wanted to take a nap before Dan got home from university. I say,”Can I have my bed?” I wait for her to respond before I say,”Fine stay on my bed.” As I was to Dan and Phil’s room. Of course, Phil was in the living room filming so I took a nap in my brother and Phil’s room. I was sound asleep as Dan cuddled me to try to wake me up, but I was out like a light. I woke up hours later to the smell of take in. I got up and walked into the kitchen to see what I could find to eat. I saw Dan and Phil playing Sonic the Hedgehog. I smile as I watched them. They were never going to beat my scores. I giggled as Dan started swearing and Phil looks at him then Dan was about to kiss him when he realized the camera was still on. Then they turn off the camera and started making out in front of me and I just watched than not knowing what to do or say at this point. I quickly went back to my room when their clothes started coming off. I just looked like a scared rabbit or deer as I looked at Emmalane and her friend. I couldn’t get what just happened out of my head of what I just watched my brother and Phil doing to each other. I felt like I was going to throw up right then and there. I just crawled into bed in between Emmalane and her friend trying not to think about what I saw. I could hear their moans from my room. I couldn’t fall asleep even if I wanted too. I played on my phone at least tomorrow was the weekend so I could stay up all night. I knew for sure I would have fucked up dreams from my brother and Phil if I fell asleep. Later that night I got up to go to the bathroom but ended up throwing up and passing out. I woke up later went pee and then went back to play on my phone or try to get some sleep if I could, but I just felt like a piece of shit. So I stayed on my phone until I passed out around 6 am. Dan tried to wake me up for breakfast, but I ended up kicking him in the balls then I felt him touch my forehead and mutter something and leaving. I woke up at about 4 pm and walked into the bathroom and threw up again. Dan heard me this time and came to check on me to see how I was doing. I passed out again this time I passed out in his arms. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. My body felt like it hated me. I was supposed to be getting put on T sometime next month. 


	5. Chapter 3

I didn’t want to go to school at all, because I knew the guys in my class would beat me up. But Dan made me, I had really bad dysphoria as I walked to school. Halfway through school, I passed out and Dan was called in to take me home. I went to my room and stayed there. I didn't want to eat or leave my room. I was curled up in a ball when I heard my door open and saw Emmalane looking at me. I moaned,"Go away." She just looked at me. I moaned,”What do you want?” When she didn’t go away. I sigh as I yawn and curl into a ball. I sit up and look at her as she said,”What do you know?” I told her what I saw the night before as I sat up and moved over for her to sit on the bed as she told me what she did. I say as I looked concerned,”What did you do?” she said,”I videoed them snogging.” I say,”You did what?” As I raised my voice some then pulled her into a hug,”You should probably take the video down and keep it between us. I mean I’ve known Dan was gay way before he did. Same with Phil.” She says,”I was angry at Phil for asking for my phone all the time and now he’s probably going to kick me out.” As she started to cry,”Wait what did you say about Phil?” She looks at me like I know Phil better than her. Then came the yelling as I passed out from an anxiety attack. I woke up hours later and called and texted Emmalane to come home. I know Dan was trying to calm Phil down and told him he was wrong for what he did. I kept trying Emmalane’s number. I figured something was off about her. She acted just like me. I told Dan I was going out. He let me. I went to find Emmalane and told her what Phil had said. I had a bag for her it had my old ace bandage, packer, and some clean clothes. I also had some pounds to pay for her haircut as well as mine. I keep looking for her trying to find her. I looked by the bins and the flat trying to find her as I called for her. I found her,”Come on. Let’s get you changed out of those girly clothes and into the ones I brought you.” As I lead her to the men’s room,”Come on, your safe with me. I also have a few pounds saved up for haircuts.” As I take my hair down and let her look at it before I put it back up and my hood back up. I wait for her to follow me into the men’s room. I say,”I also have your phone and we need to pick a new name for you too.” As I hand her phone. I wait for her to take it and follow me. I look at her as I wait for an answer. I sigh as I look at my phone and say,”Phil says he’s sorry for what he said. And he wants you to come back to the flat.” I sigh as I walk into the men’s room and showed her the video Phil sent me to show her,”Look for yourself.” As I handed her my phone and then walked over to the urinals and went pee then when I was done I washed my hands and gave her some of my old clothes,”Here.” I watch Emmalane change and helped her with the ace bandage so it wasn’t too tight or too loose. I say,”Now we just need to get you a new name and then legally change it, but to legally change it you need a parent or guardian.” She sighs,”I’m not talking to him.” I say,”I think he already knows. She says,”Well he doesn’t know I’m trans.” I say,”I think he does. Dan probably told him how he found out that I’m trans.” I went on and on than say,”Let’s go get us a couple of haircuts.” After our haircuts, I went to a fast food place and got us something to eat I asked her what her new name was and she just looked at me as she ate. I began listing off names for her to choose one. By the time I got to the t’s she was still looking at me, I sighed and gave up. Later we walked back to the flat. As I walked up to the door Emmalane says,”No, no, no.” I say to her,”Your safe with me.” As I pulled her into the flat she mumbles,”No.” Phil looked at us as he said,”Are you ok? Why do you look boyish?” Emmalane says,”Like you care!” Then she passed out and I carried her to my room and went back out to Phil and told him that she was a he and we didn’t have a new name picked out yet. Dan and Phil went out to go get food while I stayed with Emmalane. I was filming my own YouTube video as I heard music coming from my room as I finished up turned off the camera and went to go edit my new video as I did I stopped in front of the doorway to my room and looked at Emmalane. I was smiling at her,”We still need a new name for you, buddy.” As I walked over to my laptop and started editing my new video as she watched me,”Got any names in mind?” I upload my new video as she hugs me from behind,”What’s that for?” She says,”For helping me out.” I smiled,”Your welcome. So any names come to mind yet?” As I pull up a baby name generator for male names and sit on my bed next to her and look at her. I start looking at the names and read them out to her. I keep doing this for an hour. Then I moaned in pain as I grabbed my lower abdomen and my laptop landed on the floor as the baby name list of male names was on the letter ‘M’. Emmalane got up and pick my laptop up from the floor as she said,”Matt! That’s the one! That’s it!” She smiled at me as I looked confused at her then she pointed to the name,”Mateo! That one!” She giggles as she picked my laptop up and put it on the desk and then walked back over to the desk and laid in my lap as I still continued to hold my lower abdomen with one hand and play with her hair with the other one. I could tell she was blushing. Then Dan and Phil came home with food and we told then that Emmalane’s new name was Mateo. Then we began to eat then later that night we watched a movie.


	6. Chapter 4

Dan didn’t make me go to secondary school, so I was happy. I watched Mateo do his school work and helped him out when he needed it. When Mateo yawned I looked at him. He was so fucking cute. When Dan got home from university he took me to go get my first T shot. When I got done at the doctors Dan dropped me off at the gym and I stayed there for hours until it closed or they kicked me out and then I’d go to the library or to Starbucks or the mall. But this time I went to all four after my doctor gave me my first shot of T then he taught me how to do it. I spent hours at the mall buying new clothes for me and Mateo. He was the same size as me so it wasn’t hard to find clothes for him. Then I went to go get my hair dyed a dark brown. I had very little friends and the friends I did have were some of Dan and Phil’s friends and Mateo. Every time I thought about Mateo my heart started pounding in my chest. Was I in love with him? Was I a trans gay guy? I came back to the flat hours later and walked to my room. I was all hot and sweaty. I got the camera all set up so I could film my first video talking about T. I look over at Mateo,”You ok?” As I edit my video. I felt Mateo hugging me and I hugged him back and then I felt his lips on mine as he kissed me and I kissed him back deeper than he kissed me. I began to take my shirt off as I did I forgot that Dan and Phil were still here. But I didn’t let that stop me from taking off Mateo’s shirt as well. I started to take off Mateo’s ace bandage and gave him hickeys as I kissed his neck. I pulled away for air as I was breathing heavily and Mateo was also breathing heavily. Dan knocks on the door as I push Mateo onto the bed. Dan says as I lock the door,”Hey! Open the door!” Then I got on top of Mateo and yell back at Dan,”I’m fucking changing, Daniel James Howell!” As I nip Mateo’s neck causing him to moan as I kept kissing him. I keep kissing him as he kept moaning. I didn’t know if he was enjoying it or not as I pulled away for air. I was breathing heavily as I looked at him. Mateo whispered hoping I wouldn’t hear him,”I’m enjoying it.” I was very horny for my first day on T, plus I did work out. I got off Mateo and blushed a deep red as I put my shirt back on and unlocked my door and grabbed some clean clothes and went to take a shower. I take a long shower. I walk back to my room and look at Mateo. I smile as I went to my laptop and plugged my earbuds in and went to a porn site and watched porn. I hoped Dan wouldn’t catch me. I didn’t hear Mateo come up behind me until he tapped me on the shoulder as I screamed and jumped and fell to the floor,”Oh my fucking God! What do you want?” Mateo says,”Can I watch with you? We can put your laptop on the bed so you're not facing the wall and not the door." I look up at him as I rub the back of my head that hit the desk,”Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm. Are you sure you wanna watch this?” Dan says,”Everything ok in there?” I say,”Everything is fine, Dan!” Mateo looks at me and says,”I'm sure, Matt, but you don't have to let me." Then he sits down on the bed and began to read. I looked over to see what he was reading and he was reading Chronicles of Narnia. Then I say,”Sure. Why not.” As I move over to my bed and put my laptop in the middle of the bed and then locked the door and went back to my bed and laid down and covered myself up keeping one arm free for the mouse pad and handed Mateo an earbud. He puts the earbud in as I say,”Ready?” Mateo nodded as I hit play and stared at the screen moved my arm that was under the blanket to were my unwanted parts where and began playing with them not letting out a single moan. Mateo accidentally said without knowing or hearing myself,"I want someone to do that to me.” I look over at him in shock as I kept going and watching the two naked guys fuck each other. I hope he didn’t see what I was doing as my hips buckled upward a few times. Mateo suddenly screamed as his phone went off and he fell on the floor. I paused the video and looked at him,”You ok? Who messaged you?” Mateo laid on his back as he looked at his phone. I look at him waiting for an answer. Mateo says,”It’s Luna. Phil invited her over.” I say,”Why?” Mateo says as he got up and unlocked the door,”No clue.” As he left me alone in the room, I closed my laptop and played on my phone as I sighed. I got up and grabbed my knife and walked to the bathroom and forgot to lock it and started cutting myself. I listened to what everyone was saying. I sniffed as I got up and texted Dan telling him I went for a run as I left the flat. I keep running trying to make the voices in my head shut up. I went to the gym again and stayed until it closed then I went running again this time in the park. I kept running nothing was going to stop me. I thought to myself,’Was I really in love with Mateo?’ I didn’t come back to the flat until three in the morning covered in sweat as I slammed the door behind as I went to my room and grabbed some clean clothes and went to take another shower. I still had my knife with me as I turned on the water and forgot to lock the door I stripped my clothes and got in the shower and sat down on the floor. I look at my knife as I felt tears in my eyes. I sniffed as I heard the bathroom door open then close as Mateo says,”I can't be in love with him, I'll be leaving soon I'll have time to figure it out." And I hear the sink turn on. I cut too deep as I hear him say those words and I hissed pain as I began to feel light-headed as I watched the blood go down the drain as it got heavier and passed out. I was barely breathing and losing a lot of blood from my cuts on my arms as I could barely make out the voices that were talking to me as I heard sirens and then everything went fucking quite as the voices in my head started talking to me. I didn’t know if I was dead or still alive.The voice in my head told me I did a great job and they were pleased with me, but I felt like I was leaving friends and family.

I woke up hours later in hospital with soft restraints and my wrists were stitched up and had bandages on them. I moaned,”No yelling my head hurts.” As I looked around the room. The voices in my head were quite as I kept looking at them and moaned in as my head throbbed,”No fucking yelling. My head fucking hurts.” I watched Mateo and Phil leave the room as Dan told me what happened. He told me that I was schizophreniac. I say,”I’m a schizophrwhat?” I just looked at Dan. The room was quiet for hours. I really wanted Mateo to come back to the room. I kept looking at the door as I waited for Mateo to show up. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until I got hungry. Dan tried to get me to eat but I didn't want to eat until Mateo was in the room in the bed with me. Well, I couldn't use my hands to eat thanks to the soft restraints, so I couldn't feed myself so I looked at him as I nibbled on my food was in my mouth as Dan left the room Phil followed Dan. Was he like me? Look looked at Mateo who had fallen asleep on my shoulder. I look around the room. It was just me and Mateo in the room. I look at him. 'What will he do or say to me?' I thought to myself as the voices started to come back,"No, leave me alone." I look at him as he woke up and said,”Hey, cutie.” Then he kissed my neck and I moaned. I tried to sit up but couldn’t thanks to the soft restraints. I looked at Mateo for help as Dan and Phil both walked into the room. Dan looked disappointed at me. I felt like he was going to send me back to Wokingham. I looked at Phil he was also disappointed at me. I looked at Mateo. Mateo gave me a loving looking. My stomach growled at me. I was thin that you could see my bones. I watched Dan and Phil both leave the room. Mateo says,”Will you eat if I feed you?" I nodded as Mateo start feeding me when there was no food left, I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to run to the bathroom and throw it all back up, but I could because I was in soft restraints. I just smiled at Mateo as he praised me for eating all of my food. Mateo looked at his phone and called Phil after two rings he answered,"You and Dan don't need to check on Matt anymore today, he's asleep and probably won't be waking up anytime soon." Phil says,"Okay thanks." Then he hung up and smiled at me as "Let’s have fun, Matthew, shall we?" I just look at him. I didn’t know what he meant by “fun”. Then he walked to the door and locked it and walked back to the bed,”This kind of fun.” As he gently kissed me. Mateo looked down at me as he says,"Do you want to?" Mateo looked at me and played softly poked the soft restraints on my wrists,"Do these bug you?" I nodded,”But they can’t come off, they have to be taken off by a doctor and I don’t think he’ll take them off.” Mateo smiles then looked at me,"I have an idea, do you trust me?" He gets off of me and he walked to the door and repeats,"Do you trust me?" Mateo waited for an answer as he pulled out a knife. I look at him as my eyes went wide as I saw the knife,"What the fuck?" The voices in my head started talking and they wanted me to take the knife from Mateo as he says,"Answer my question, Matthew." As he trails the point of the knife along the door. I say,"Please, give it to me. They want me to use it." Mateo says,"Who's they?" I looked at him. Did he know I had schizophrenia? I looked at Mateo in shock at what he did as every nurse and doctor on the floor came into my room. I look over at Mateo as he woke up screaming. I was trying to sit up to look at Mateo but I couldn't because of the soft restraints. Mateo says weakly almost in a whisper,"That wasn't the plan." He couldn't talk because it hurt to breathe and talking hurt more. He tried sitting up but since it was pushing on his abdomen he groaned and coughed up a little blood,"Oh." The door opens and Phil stands over Mateo,"You can't speak or else it presses on your abdomen and it can cause internal bleeding so let me just say that you will move with Luna no matter what after you get better." He glares at Phil and he smiles,"Look it's for your safety, and Matt's mental health and even Dan agrees." Mateo opens his mouth and in his current raspy voice and says,"Fuck off, you know I'm better with Matt." I say,”Me and Mateo love each other!” Dan looks at me and Mateo smiles.


	7. Chapter 5

I look at Dan to see what he would do and he just looks at Phil for help. Mateo looks at me and I look at him. We didn't know what our brothers would say or do to us. We loved each other so much just like Dan and Phil. Phil looks at Mateo disappointed as Dan says,"Phil, let's go talk in the hallway about this." They leave and Mateo started crying as I look over at him I really wanted to hug him but I was in soft restraints. Then I started sniffing as I kept looking at him. The door open then Phil says,"When you leave the hospital you're going to live with Luna, you can't get out of it." Mateo sobs harder as he felt betrayed and angry. Mateo quickly composed himself then he looks at Phil,"You're trying to get me to kill myself? Because it's working." The color drained out of Phil's face then Dan stepped in,"Don't talk like that-" He cut him off and snapped,"Stop intervening and acting like my dad, Daniel!" I just watched as my anxiety started to kick in. But then Phil walked over to him and raised his hand, Mateo flinched afraid he was going to slap Mateo but he heard me growl and mumble something that he couldn't understand. Phil slapped him and he saw out of the corner of his eye me almost break the restraints trying to what looked like go after Phil. Dan took Phil out of the room as Mateo says,"Were you trying to go after him or me?" As his voice cracks as he continues,"Either way it wouldn't matter, Phil is going to be the death of me." I whispered,"Phil." Mateo says,"Did they tell you to? Or did you want to yourself?" As he looked at me then he continues,"And why were you trying to get to Phil?" He smiles a bit trying to hopefully calm me down. I say,"They told me too." Then Mateo stands up and stumbles as he walks to my bed,"If they tell you things do you think you could tell me?" As he puts his hand on my wrist lightly looking at my wrist. I say,"They don't like it when I tell people." Mateo kissed my forehead and smiled,"Nevermind then, but don't let them control you, Matt, if they tell you to hurt yourself or others don't do it please." As he kissed my forehead again then he watched as the doctor walked in. The doctor asked me questions and Mateo walked behind the doctor and he stopped next to his left side and he quietly pickpockets him for the restraint keys as he put them in his hand and he stays there to act normal. Two minutes later the doctor leaves and he smiles at me as he presents me with the keys,"Told ya I had a plan." He walked to my bedside and he hid the keys in his hand as Phil walks in,"Dan and I are going back to the dorm for a few days." Mateo says,"Okay, Phil." As he smiles at me and he watched Phil as he closes the door then he pays his attention to me again,"Want me to unlock you? From the restraints? Or are you good? Actually no I might give the keys back." I was already sound asleep, Mateo unlocked the restraints then he put the keys in a place that I can't find them and then he goes back into his hospital bed and fell asleep. When Mateo woke up, he watched me and he started to blush as he walked over to my bedside again and he pats my head. Mateo woke me up and motioned to my wrist that was unrestrained,"See what I did? Do you want me to put it back on?" He gets quieter than he basically mumbles silently,"Do they want it back on?" He felt bad for asking me but he was curious and he hoped that was okay with me. Some part of him wanted to tell me his secret but that part of him won't show. I looked at him as he spaced out. I say,"I don't know." As I yawn, I was really tired for some reason. I just look at him until my phone rang. Mateo hands me my phone and he walks out of the room. The doctor stops Mateo and looks at him,"Where are my keys?" Mateo smiles,"No clue mate!" Mateo did know but he didn't want to tell the doctor. He dragged Mateo inside the room he looked away from the doctor and shoved Mateo to the floor and started looking for the keys. He stops five minutes later and walks to the door,"I apologize for assuming." As the doctor leaves and he giggled a little as he takes the keys out of the hiding spot and he unlocks the other soft restraint. Mateo takes all the sharp things with him as he leaves the room, which was a knife. He called Luna as he walked into the room and looked at me,"Luna, he's like you." He gives her the room number then he hangs up and smiles at me as I was still on the phone,"Who is it?" As he smiles wider. I say,"Dan." He looks down and whispers,"What does he want?" Mateo tried to not looked worried but he failed at it. His phone rings and he sent it to voicemail. I say,"He was just checking up on me. That's all he was doing." As his phone rang again he sent it to voicemail yet again,"Phil I don't want to talk to you." As he kept sending Phil to voicemail, eventually he stopped calling and someone knocked on the hospital door, the color drained from his face. "Shit, what if it's the doctor again he'll wonder why you're not restrained," he says as coughed and opens the door to see Luna. Mateo sigh as he let her in, she was wearing a plaid dress that showed her inner thighs, he blushed as he looked her up and down,"Wow Luna, you- wow." She smiled at Mateo as she also winked at him and made him blush even more. I cleared my throat,"Um, hello?" Mateo looks at me and lowers his head,"S-sorry, I got carried away." Luna grabs his ass and he jumped and blushed a dark red,"H-hey s-stop!" As she smiles at him like she was going to do it again as she steps closer and pins him to the wall,"C'mon kitten, play with me." I look away as I felt like I was unwanted at this point with Luna in the room as I look at my wrists. And out of the corner of my eye, I see Mateo grab a knife and put it against Luna's throat,"I will kill you with no hesitation if you don't realize I am a bottom, yes but I'm in love with Matt, you can't win me over." She steps away and she had a pissed look on her face as she looked at Matt. Luna takes the knife from him and laughs,"That's not how you talk to a schizophrenic person" She grabs his wrist and trails it along his wrist and he winces in pain as she starts cutting up his wrist,"They told me to do this, Emmalane, I hope you know that." He tried pulling his wrist away as she grabs both with one of her hands and she cuts his wrists deeply as he struggles to get away from her. I got up and tackled Luna to the ground as I start punching her,"You fucking stay away from my boyfriend!" Mateo grabbed the knife and passed out as he was two steps away from the door. I called for a doctor and security. I look over at Mateo as I watched him try to move. Mateo mumbled to himself,"Do I have restraints on?" He opened his eyes and looked at me,"What happened after I passed out?" I told him what happened as he looked at me as he says,"I haven't eaten in days." I say,"You need to fucking eat." He says as he motioned to the soft restraints on his wrists,"Kinda hard to when I can't move my wrists." I sigh. Mateo rolled his eyes as his stomach growled louder. He says,"Hey, Matt, do you know if Dan or Phil know what happened?" As his phone rang,"Speak of the devil." I got up and answered his phone and put it to his ear,"Here." Mateo says,"What do you want?" As he snaps and Phil starts yelling at him for 'framing Luna' and he starts to silently cry as he says he's going to discharge him tonight and he's moving in with her. I sniffed as I heard Phil talk to him. I didn't want Mateo to be taken away from me. I knew Luna was up to something when she tried to take him away from me earlier. Phil hangs up and he looks away from me as he was trying to hide the fact he was crying. Mateo mumbles to himself quietly as he sniffled and he tried to yank his wrists free of the restraints but every time he tries he squeaked in pain each time. He yanks on the restraints again and yells,"Just shut the fuck up already!" I look at him confused as I cock my head to one side like a dog. He started sobbing and yelling,"Just stop yelling! Stop it! you're too loud!" I climb onto his bed and started kissing him. I kept kissing as the voices in my head began to shut up as I thought to myself,'Did I find a new way to make them fucking quite besides cutting?' The door opens and we hear Phil start to raise his voice,"What the hell?!" I was too busy kissing Mateo to turn around and look at Phil. Mateo ignores Phil as he kissed me back. I was pulled away by Dan as he glared down at us,"Stop!" As Mateo looked down ashamed. I say,"Dan, please I'll never get to see him again when he moves out." Phil says,"He should've thought of that before framing Luna, honestly, Emmalane, how immature." Mateo started breathing heavily then he yells,"If they'd shut up for once I wouldn't be like this!" I walked over to Phil. For being 6'1" and Phil being an inch taller than me I punched him,"Mateo should get to choose where he wants to live! Just like I did!" Dan just looks at me,"Phil, he's right you know." Phil scoffs as Luna and the doctor walks in, the doctor unlocks the restraints and Luna smiles and hugs Mateo,"I'm so glad you're safe! You went crazy you could've died! Let's go home Em." He looks down saddened but he nodded and obeyed what Luna said. I gave Luna the middle finger as I say,"Fuck you bitch!" As I punched her in the throat then kicked her in her private area,"That's for being a fucking bitch to me and Mateo, bitch." Luna smiles and grabs Mateo's wrist as he sucks in air,"I have no idea what you mean and who Mateo is, have a nice night." Luna drags him out and he looks back at me and he started to tear up as I went out of sight. I started to get really depressed as Mateo left. Dan tried to cheer me up but it wasn't working. He got my favorite food, drink, and dessert but I didn't touch them. He also got me a stuffed fox that I did cuddle with. I hugged my stuffed fox as I started to cry like a baby.   
  


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I was able to go back to the dorm within a week. My birthday was also the same week when I left the hospital. So Dan made me a party with my so-called "friends" along with Phil. I was forced to go. I hoped Mateo would be there but he wasn't. I didn't talk to anyone or play games with them. I did have to thank everyone for the gifts that they gave me. When everyone left the flat I went back to my room and stayed there until I need to go pee, or Dan forced me to eat, or if I wanted to take a shower. Dan tried everything to get me to cheer up from taking me to the movies to taking me to see our grandma and our parents. I was very quiet all the time. I didn't want to talk to anyone all I wanted was Mateo. I couldn't stop thinking about Mateo and what he was doing with his so-called "friend", Luna. Dan tried to talk to me but I wouldn't talk back to him. He also tried to get me to play video games with him and Phil when he came home from university. I just sat there on the couch in the living room whenever we had a movie night. Dan tried to get me to pick the movie but I didn't I just sat there staring off into space hopping Mateo would come back to me. I wasn't doing my homework, I stayed in my room all the time. I wasn't uploading on my YouTube channel, MySpace, Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, and YouNow. Dan also tried to get me to leave the flat but I didn't I just stayed in my room. I wouldn't eat, my grades were dropping, I stayed out late at the gym, mall, Starbucks, or the library, I would stay up really late, I took my meds, I texted Mateo to see if he could hang out but he always replied with the same thing like 'Luna is taking me somewhere'. I barely slept as I got ready for secondary school, I was always late to my classes, some of my so-called "friends" also tried to get me to hang out with them but I didn't go with them. I'd just walked back to the dorm or my secret place in the park. I got a text from one of my so-called "friends" if I wanted to spend the night or go to the mall or both. I chose the mall. So later that day I went to the mall with my so-called "friends" as we walked around looking at the shops as I looked at my phone and texed Mateo,'Want to hang out? I'm at the mall. If you want too.' I told my so-called "friends" to go on without me as Mateo texed me back,'I am too we're at the coffee shop inside the mall. If you want to.' I texted back,'Fuck yeah! Meet me where we got our hair cut.' I walked over to the barber where me and Mateo got our hair cut. I wait for Mateo to show up. I waited for what it seemed to be hours, but all I saw were girls everywhere. It made me ever dysphoric as I smelled their perfume every time they walked by me. It made me gag. I hated perfume ever since I found out that I was trans. I would always wear Dan's cologne no matter what. Some of the girls who walked passed me giggled as I watched them. I was looking at my phone when someone walked over to me. Little did I know it was Mateo. I was too busy with my phone to look up. I looked different because of the T I was taking started to change my voice and the way I looked. Mateo says,"Hey, cutie, you single?" I looked up from my phone as my voice cracks,"I'm waiting for my boyfriend." Mateo says,"Who is it, Matt?" As he started to tear up. I say,"Mateo Lester is my boyfriend." As my voice cracked on Lester and as I put my phone away,"He was supposed to meet me here." I was now 6'1 ½" inches taller than last time. I look at him as I could smell the perfume that Luna put on him. I was wearing a cologne that Dan got for my birthday. I looked at him to see him crying as Luna looked over at us and I gave her the middle finger. As my attention went back to Mateo as I say,"So do you know this Mateo Lester?" As I looked him up and down to study him I watched Luna out of the corner of my eye the whole entire time. Mateo says,"Why are we dating if you can't recognize you're own boyfriend?" As he was crying now as he stood there waiting for me to figure it out and notice Luna. I fell over a bench in shock as I looked at him. I watched him leave me as I got up and ran to the park to my special place as I began to cry. My hormones were fucked up. I knew I had to be back at the dorm packing getting ready to move to London as my phone rang. I answered it,"Hello?" Mateo says,"Hey, I'm s-" He was cut off by Luna,"PHIL IS MOVING! AND YOU BACK IN!" Mateo says,"Did you hear that?" I say,"Yeah, Dan, Phil, and I are moving to London." I hear Mateo sniffle and mumble,"Is he really moving me back in, Matt, or is she lying to me?" I say,"Me and Dan have convenient Phil that Luna is a bitch and if a bad influence." I hear him running out of the apartments squealing happily giggling and squealing,"Matt! I am so excited!" I hold the phone away from my ear as I giggled. I got up and walked back to the dorm to finish packing. Dan asked me what I wanted to eat for dinner and I told him sushi as he left to go get dinner with Phil. I was already enrolled in a new secondary school a few months back when Dan told me that we were moving to London. I was blasting Queen's I Want to Break Free through the flat as I packed. I was so busy packing that I didn't hear my door open as I was packing my boxer briefs and other clothes into a box as my music kept playing. Phil says,"Matt!" I was so into my music and packing I didn't see Phil. Phil says,"Matt!" He kept yelling my name but I still didn't lookup. When I finally got up was when my bladder was like,'I need to pee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' So I ran into Phil on my way to the bathroom. I say,"Move, Phil, I need to pee." My voice cracked as it could clearly be heard from my room to the living room. I walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind as I forgot to lock it behind me not knowing Mateo was here and or that he would follow me into the bathroom. I was lost in thought as I didn't hear the door open as my nose got a whiff of Luna's perfume that made me gag. I was brought out of my thought as I looked around and shrugged and walked out a few minutes later and went back to my room. I went back to packing my clothes then my books until I sneezed. Phil says,"Hey, Matthew!" I jumped as I dropped a heavy ass book onto my foot as I hear high heels hit the floor. I moaned in pain,"What the fuck was that for, Philip!?" Mateo walked into my room and picked up the book that I had dropped on my foot and put it with the other books. Mateo says,"He was getting your attention for me." As he smiled lightly and blushed. I looked at Mateo as the perfume hit my face and made me sneeze again. I kept sneezing as I fell backwards into a box as Dan threw a shirt at Mateo and he tore off the dress and put on the shirt. Mateo helped me up out of the box. I say,"Thanks." Mateo looked at me and then he kissed me. I kissed him back and Dan and Phil started squealing like a bunch of girls. I gave them the middle finger as I moaned in the kiss. Mateo kissed me rougher as he moaned in the kiss. I moaned in the kiss as I pushed him onto my bed. Dan and Phil left quickly and shut the door to give us some privacy. I keep kissing Mateo as I take off his bowered shirt. I moaned in the kiss as I take off my shirt. I kept kissing him getting lost in my mind not thinking straight or what my hands were doing. I kept kissing him as I take the rest of his clothes off and look him up and down. I smiled at him. Mateo smiled as he blushed. I say,"Now what do you want to do?" Mateo blushed a deep red as he says,"W-whatever y-you w-want, I don't m-mind." I smile as I get my laptop out and look up something and then walked back to the bed with my laptop and showed Mateo. He says,"What's that?" I say,"Remember when you either walked in on me or woke up and saw this on my laptop and then we watched it together while we were in bed but we got interrupted." As I look at him I was very horny. Mateo nods his head. I say,"Well want to watch it?" As I put the laptop down and go to one of the boxes marked DO NOT TOUCH!!!!!!! And pulled out a dildo. I look at Mateo with a smile. Mateo smiled a little bit. Mateo says,"Hurry, I'm horny." I say as my voice cracks,"I'm hornier than you." Mateo winked at me,"Well hurry." I put on the dildo and climbed back into bed and looked at him,"Dan and Phil are going out tonight so we get the flat to ourselves." Mateo says,"Thank God." I giggled as I kissed him before I started the video that we watched. A knock on the door startled him as he looks at the door as Dan says,"I'm not opening the door but me and Phil are going out." Mateo says,"Okay!" As we hear the flat door close. Mateo kissed me then he continued watching the video then started getting in the video he wasn't aware that his hand was rubbing my thigh slowly. I let out a moan as I looked at him as he squeezed my thigh as he kissed me. He kissed my neck and gave me a hickey, he looks at me and smiles,"What do you want to do now?" I moaned,"Fuck me." Mateo smirked,"Gladly." As he pinned me to the bed and kissed me as he gave me hickeys all over my neck. I moaned really loud as my hips buckled upward. Mateo starts using the dildo that was on me as he started to zone out. Every time I moaned he would go faster and deeper. Mateo got off me and he ran to the bathroom and I followed him. I knock on the door,"Mateo? You ok?" I waited for him to answer me. I sigh as I walk back to my room and went back to packing. I don't know what time I fell asleep but I must have passed out around 5 am. I moaned in my sleep. I was having a nightmare or my hip was hurting from where I did my T shot the other day. I kept moaning in pain as I woke up and tried to get out of bed but I could barely sit up. I was in so much pain. More pain than when I was on the time of the month but I'm glad I don't have to go through with it anymore. I keep trying to sit up but it fucking hurt so bad. I look around the room. I look at Mateo as he had his phone on my chest and I look at it. I try to get Mateo's attention. Mateo mumbled,"What?" As he rolls over and sits up. I moaned,"Go get Dan. I think I need to go to hospital." I keep moaning in pain as I watch Mateo limp away to go get Dan. I looked over at Dan as he walked into my room,"What's wrong?" I moaned,"I don't know." Dan says,"Did you take your T wrong again." I nodded as I moaned in pain. I tried to sit up and Dan helped me to the bathroom as he started the shower for me. I heard Mateo say to Phil,"I don't want to live!" I looked at Dan and he looked at me. Dan helps me take a shower. When my shower was done he helped me back to my room. I heard Mateo yell again,"Just let me hang myself!" I felt my stomach drop when he said that as I started to film a video for my youtube channel. I stopped recording and curled up in a ball well I tried to curl up into a ball but I couldn't. I fell asleep. I woke up when I heard the front flat door slam shut. I moaned in pain as I heard yelling. I had a really bad headache as moaned,"I have a fucking headache!" I moaned as I sat up. I was very dizzy and I know why as I got up and walked into the living room. I just stood there looking at them as Phil talked about me. I watched Mateo run out of the dorm. I ran out of the flat and to the park and looked for Mateo. When I was walking back to the flat I got a text from Dan saying,'We are going to hospital. Mateo has been in a car accident.'  
  
  


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I was waiting for Dan to let me into Mateo's hospital room as I play on my phone. I kept waiting as I was getting really bored as I wait for Dan to let me into the room. Dean came to get me. I walked into the room I looked like shit as I looked at Mateo. He didn't look me in the eyes as I walked over to his bed and sat on it. I just looked at him then I played with the edge of the blanket. I didn't know what to say or do or talk about. I didn't want him to leave me again. I couldn't live without him if he left. I knew Dan bought a plane ticket and a passport for Mateo. He says,"My birthday is tomorrow." I say,"I know." I kept myself from crying like a baby. I just looked at the blanket I was playing with trying not to cry. Mateo says,"Matt, get ou-" As he was cut off by a seizure. I looked at him as Dan called the doctor. Dan tried to take me out of the hospital room as I tried to stay where I was. The doctor and nurses swarmed around his bed and Dan finally dragged me out when Mateo flatlined. I started to cry like a baby in Dan's arms outside of the room, Dan said he needed to call Phil but I wouldn't let him go or stop crying. It went on like this for what felt like hours. I sat on the floor of the hospital as my eyes were red from crying. Phil came to get Dan as he looked at me as I got up and followed them as I kept my eyes on the ground. Phil says,"Mateo wants your opinions of him going to America." I sniffed. Mateo cleared his throat as I looked at him. My eyes were really red and puffy. Mateo motioned me to come to sit next to him. I walked over to him slowly as I sat next to him on the bed. Mateo says,"What's your opinion?" I say,"Stay." As I sniff. Then Dan smiles and cheerfully says,"We signed him up for a leading role in America, Matt, he will be back in a week if he gets the role he would have to do a show in America maybe twice, that's two days then he's back in London. How does that sound?" I say,"But I want him to stay!" As I started to cry again. Dan then pulls out another plane ticket and Matt's passport,"I think ahead." As he looks at me again. I just look at the passport and the plane ticket as I sniff. I look over at Mateo. He says,"Dan, stop it. I'm staying." Dan frowns as he looks down. I watch Mateo try to sit up as he says,"Can you help me?" I nod as I help him sit up as I kiss him to death. Mateo moaned loudly as he started to get horny.


	8. Chapter 6

Phil clears his throat as we pulled away and the doctor looks at us. I looked at the doctor as I stay close to Mateo. I watched the doctor as he checked Mateo. I just sat there and watched the doctor as Dan and Phil looked at us. Once the doctor left I went back to kissing Mateo. I pulled away for air after a few minutes of kissing Mateo. I was breathing heavily. I look at Mateo. He was looking at me like he wanted me to fuck him. But Dan looked at us and I knew we couldn't. Dan pulls me to the side to ask me a question, all Mateo saw was me nodding and Dan looks at Mateo again. Mateo gives Dan a half-smile then he got a phone call and Dan answered it. Mateo look at me quickly then he lay his head in his hands and he hunched over, his arms started jerking and Phil pinned Mateo's to the bed as Phil has done this before. Mateo stopped and Phil kept him pinned for a moment longer before letting Mateo go and going to stand in the hallway. I look at Mateo,"Now what?" As I sit on Mateo's bed and play with my shirt. He shrugs and closed his eyes,"My eyes are still sensitive to light to it doesn't matter as long as I don't have to open them." I got up and turned off the lights and closed the blinds so he could look at me. I had been on T for a little over a year and I was getting ready to have my top surgery when we moved to London, but my surgery was not until before or after Christmas I couldn't remember, but Dan knew. He says,"Dan is such a cool brother, He gets you t and the surgery while Phil won't even get me a service dog for my seizures." I say,"Not all the time, my anxiety attacks got really bad and I can't get a service dog. Plus the insurance I have covers everything except for service dogs." As I look at him and he yawns,"My insurance covers the dogs but Phil never knew I needed one but lately he's been asking me questions like my favorite dogs out of a list and I'd choose, we're down to two different dogs." Matt nods,"Dan knows I like black German shepherds. But I can't get one." He nods and Phil opens the door and smiles,"Which dog breed? Samoyed or Border Collie?" Mateo laughs and obviously chose his favorite dog,"Obviously a Samoyed they're fluff balls." Phil smiles then put the phone back up to his ear. Mateo looks at me hoping maybe I'd know but he doubts I know. Mateo started to nod off as he cuddled with a pillow, sleep was hard to get but now that he was with me so he can sleep. He woke up and he started to whine like a child,"I wanna cuddle with Matt." I looked at him as I cuddled him. I missed cuddling him. He kissed my neck and gave me a hickey before he fell asleep again. I smiled as I kissed him on the lips as I fell asleep. I moaned as I woke up to see a dog on top of us as it pawed at Mateo's hand. I looked at Mateo to see waking up then I looked around the room to see Dan and Phil talking. I look over at Mateo and his service dog. Mateo looks at Phil and asks,"Why is there a service dog in here?" Phil smiles,"Well I'm saving up for you to get T but for now I know you need a service dog more." Mateo smile and the dog paws at him again. I watched as I sighed as I got up to go to the bathroom. I knew my anxiety was getting to me as I sat on the floor of the bathroom. I could hear them talking. Mateo looks at the dog,"What is your name?" He asks as the dog would respond then he notices the collar and he moves to see what is on the tag,"Zelda, huh? Looks like you're a girl then." I look at my phone and started to text Dan as I started to see spots. I felt like I was having a really bad anxiety attack as I walked out of the bathroom and then I blacked out.

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I moaned as I looked around the room hours later. I was looking for Mateo but I couldn't find him anywhere in the room. I really wanted Mateo as I looked at Dan. I looked at Phil when he walked into the room. I watched them talk for hours until I fell asleep. I was out like a light as I slept. I started to have really weird dreams about my transition and how it was going to go and things like that until they turned into a nightmare that I couldn't wake from as I started to toss and turn in my sleep. Dan tried to cuddle me but I just ended up kicking him in the balls as I also punched him in the face. Dan tried everything to wake me, but he could I was so into the nightmare that I couldn't wake up. I kept tossing and turning in my sleep until I started to calm down and then I started to have another one right after another. They just kept coming like a fly to a moldy piece of food. I couldn't wake up from them. My body was out of control at this point. I began to sweat and moan in my sleep. I moaned in my sleep as I was having a nightmare. I woke up hours later as I screamed. I was also covered in sweat. I looked around the room trying to find Dan, Phil, or even Mateo. But they weren't there as I began crying. I kept crying for hours. My eyes were bloodshot and red. I was also really moody. I didn't know if it was from the lack of sleep or that I didn't take my T shot. I was also really horny too. I really wanted Mateo with me. I really wanted to fuck Mateo. I looked like shit my hair was a fucking mess. I got up and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I knew I hated what I saw but that was slowly changing over time. I had some stubble that I needed to get rid of but I wasn't allowed to shave without Dan in the room with me. I looked at my phone as I looked through Facebook. I looked at Mateo's Facebook page as I heard the door open as I looked up from my phone. I wanted it to be Mateo but it was some very hot gay male nurse that gay me my meds and left. I shook my head as the door closed behind him as I started giggling and texted Mateo about what happened. Mateo replied with,'I bet he wasn't as hot as me.' I texted him back,'No. You're hotter than him. I miss you. Dan and Phil left and I don't know where they are.' As I looked around my room to see if they in the bathroom, but they weren't. I sighed as I started to make a YouTube video about what happened. I looked at my Facebook again and then texted Mateo,'You better not go with her. She's a bitch. And she's a very bad influence on you. My room # is 304.' I really knew Luna was a bad influence on Mateo when Phil made him stay with him. Mateo sent me a picture of a room and I sighed as I knew he was lying to me. I sent him a selfie. I looked bored as fuck and my hair was messy and I looked like shit. Mateo texted me back with,'Hot af.' I looked at the picture that Mateo send me and texted,'Hot af!' I really hated begin alone in hospitals they made my anxiety worse. I really need a service dog, but the insurance that me and Dan had didn't cover them but they did cover for my transition. I was nodding off as my phone fell out of my hand and into my lap. I looked around my room as I saw Dan and Phil. Mateo sent me a selfie of him with messy hair. I texted him,'What's with the makeup?' As I yawned and kept looking at Dan and Phil. Mateo sent me a video,"Why not? Blue's not my color?" I sent him a video,"No, the blue would look better in your hair." As I smiled and waited, I answered the face time from Mateo,"Hey! What's up?" Mateo tries not to smile as he slightly yells,"Blue makeup looks good on me Matthew!" He used a joking tone hoping to not CVoffend me. I say,"But think you should dye your hair blue." Mateo blushed as he turned the camera around to show Zelda his service dog who was fast asleep,"The fluffball is asleep." I say as he giggles,"Awwwwwwww." He touched her nose and she didn't wake up. He started to giggle as he kept poking her nose,"She's sleeping good I think." I say,"Yeah." Then I let out a sigh as he turned the camera around and walked to the bathroom as he took off his makeup,"Better?" I nodded as I started to space out which I rarely did. I just stared at him for a long time. Mateo says,"Hey, Matt I have to take a shower. Either you join or I gotta hang up." I didn't answer then he put his phone on the counter as the camera showed the ceiling as he took a shower and he cut up both of his wrists. Before he actually got to the shower part. He dried off then go into Dan and Phil's room to get one of Phil's long sleeve shirts, he put on his back long sleeve shirt and he wore some boxer briefs that he hid in the bathroom as he grabs his phone,"Still spaced out?" I say,"What?" As I look at him. I smiled at him. I really wanted him here with me. I say,"I miss you." I wait for him to answer as Dan left the room to answer his phone again as I watched him. Mateo winked at me and give me a half-smile as he lifts his hand over his head,"I miss you too." When it started showing cuts he immediately threw his hand to his side hoping that I didn't see any of them,"U-um I have to g-go!" He fumbled around to end the call. I say,"Why?" I didn't want him to hang up. I looked over at Dan as he walked in with a black german shepherd with his vest on and my face looked shocked as I saw the dog. Mateo says,"Um I'm gonna watch Dear Dear Evan Hansen!" It was an American Broadway musical he heard from his internet friend so he hoped that I wouldn't ask about the cuts or know that's an American thing. I say,"Why?" And then to Dan is he for me?" Dan says,"Yeah." Mateo smiles,"Oh? You got your service dog!" I started crying. Dan says,"Gran paid for him. What are you going to name him?" I say,"Fenrir." As Fenrir jumped on the bed and began to cover me. Mateo hung up on me as I looked at Fenrir. Fenrir and his vest was a Kelly green with anxiety patches that also said: **Don't Pet! I'm Working!** I heard a knock on the door,"Come in!" As I petted Fenrir I looked at Dan and Phil as they left to see what was going on outside. I was on my phone when Dan dragged Mateo into my room and I looked at him,"What the fuck happened to you?" As I looked him up and down. I watched him sit down in the corner of my room. Zelda paws at Mateo and he pushed her away. He knew she was alerting him but he didn't care at this moment since his anxiety is too high. His legs were the first to start twitching, Zelda paws at him more and he groaned loudly. I say,"Calm down everyone gets an asshole that doesn't follow the rules of a service dog." I watched Mateo take off Zelda's vest. Fenrir looks at Zelda as I say,"Leave it." I watched Mateo as Fenrir went back to covering me. I say,"You ok?" As I watched Dan and Phil leave. I yawn as I look over at Mateo and wonder what he's thinking about as I started to space out again. I was staring at Mateo for a long time until my bladder screamed at me. Fenrir got off me as I got up and walked to the bathroom with Fenrir. I sighed as I looked at myself in the mirror again I really needed to shave so bad. I hated stubble so much. I walked out of the bathroom and looked at Mateo and kissed him. I pulled away when I realized that Mateo didn't kiss me back. I walked back to my bed and sighed. I looked over at him as he began to cry. I got up and walked over to him and hugged him. I hugged him like a teddy bear. He grips my back tightly and he let out the most pathetic whimper as he whispered,"I cut..." I say,"Do you want to know how I stopped?" As I looked at him waiting for him to answer me. Mateo just nods. I say,"Dan watches me when I shave." I look at him. Mateo says,"I wasn't shaving." I say as, I showed him my scars that were still there from the last time I cut too deep,"You don't want to end up like me. I can't even wear a short sleeve shirt anymore." I had two pink scars on my wrists as I showed them to Mateo. I waited for him to answer me as I watched him. Mateo touch them softly going over them as he starts to cry again. His thighs have scars like that, 12 deep-cut scars on each thigh but I never knew because I'd had never noticed his thighs before. He stand up and start to pace anxiously. I looked at him,"Can you stop for me?" He shakes his head no and mumbles to himself. I pulled his chin up to look at me,"Please stop for me. I don't want to lose you." Mateo pulls his head away and he didn't answer as he started to have an anxiety attack. He held his head and started breathing heavily as he paced faster mumbling louder. I walked over to him and hugged him tightly. Dan and Phil walked in then we heard Phil say,"I have phone calls to make." As he backed away and I heard the worry in Dan's voice "Is he okay?" I mouthed,"He's cutting again. Don't tell Phil. We need to help him stop." Mateo tried pulling away from me but I was much stronger than him. I knew me and Dan had to help Mateo stop cutting but how could we do that as I looked at Dan for help. Mateo says as he whispers,"I'm getting claustrophobic Matt...let me go..." I say,"I know what you want to do and I'm not letting you. How about I take you to the gym and we can go running after?"


End file.
